miércoles, 5 de mayo de 2010

One Day The Boy Will Grow...

Paint a world of fantasy for him, paint it well, and fill it with love, tenderness and hopes. Keep out of his system all kind of fears and worries; keep out the demons, the threats, the problems. Build him a strong and solid protective wall; build him a fairytale castle with sugary towers and pastel colored stained glass windows. Don’t ever let him know about all the dirt, all the filth, all the hatred and loathing. Teach him well and instruct him on how life must be lived. Show him how to and when to, make him learn the how, the pros and cons, the ifs and maybes. Read to him about legendary couples, about love, about families and about the ideal lifestyle he should live up to. Make him trust you, make him look up on you; make him idolize the way you live. One day the boy will grow up.
He is now growing quicker than what you could have expected or wanted. He is asking questions, difficult questions. He is now not only learning from you, but from a handful of external persons who also have an influence on him and make him wonder if everything he has ever been told is true. Little by little, his fairytale castle is being eaten, munch after munch, bite after bite. His pastel colored windows are shadowing and now also moonlight can be seen through them. Try and convince him that what you taught him is how he should be, how he should act. Regain his trust, regain his admiration. One day the boy will grow.
Today he comes crying to you, schoolbag in hand. You find out that he is devastated but he can’t tell you why. He is so humiliated and ashamed of himself. He can’t find the wrong in what he is doing; he can’t understand why every other kid looks at him like he is a freak. He tries to take refuge in his fairytale castle but he only finds the remains of what it was, now that it’s been fully eaten by society’s stereotypes and prejudices. Self esteem is not quite and option now, is it? All you can do is to comfort him, to show him that you still love him, no matter what. You will find that he does not know if he should trust you now. You realize you’ve let him down badly. Try and make his tears go away, try and make him forget what every body is saying about him. One day the boy will grow.
He asks you, his eyes welling up why won’t the other kids play with him. What can you answer? After all, you know it is your fault for not telling him the other side of the stories. His heart is golden, still innocent and you don’t have the guts to make it go otherwise. You decide to tell him that he is what he is and that it is all right, that you love him and that whoever that can’t understand the way he is does not deserve his attention. Now, try and make him believe you one more time. He doesn’t cry anymore, not in front of you after all. He is still growing in a motion sickening way. One day the boy will grow.
He has stopped asking, he has stopped complaining and moping about what everyone tells him. You notice something missing, you can’t quite tell what is it but you certainly know it is not there anymore. He remembers his fairytale castle and he feels betrayed, he feels lonely and he realizes he does not even know who he is. Try and ask him how he is feeling, what he thinks and if he is all right. Of course he will smile and tell you he is all right. He will tell you all about this new friend he met, the things they talk about, what they do together. The more he tells you about his friend, the more you realize he does not exist. One day the boy will grow.

Today he has to go to high school finally. He insists on moving a state or two away, and you ask yourself why would a kid his age would want to leave everything and everyone he knows behind and have to start all over again. You agree, of course. You can’t say no to that face and those begging eyes. One day the boy will grow.
He now seems happier than he has in years. You notice that what was missing years ago was the glow in his eyes and you know it because now he has it back again. He finally brings a friend home, a cute girl with a lovely giggle and a bubbly spring in her step. Your hopes are high and your spirit rise. He has learnt the hard way how to be normal by the society standards; he has learnt to hide who he really is and how he feels. He measures his words perfectly, he is aware of his every move, every gesture, everything every single minute of his life. He has become everything you ever wished, but better. You think he is now all grown up. How wrong you are. One day the boy will grow.
Today he comes home with a whole pack of girls, all of them cute, all of them lovely. You are surprised but for the best, and you can’t help asking yourself what does this all means. He looks so soft, so delicate. He is a gentleman with the manners of a young prince. You can only hope he can find his little princess within this pack of girls he is hanging out with. You realize he spends less and less time at home each day and you think he is growing and that he needs his space, which you are more than accommodating when giving it to him. Everything seems so right. Inside he feels like screaming, he feels he is about to explode and he can’t help or understand his feelings towards this person swirling through his thoughts. One day the boy will grow.
He comes bursting through the door; his eyes bloodshot, dry tear stains all the way from his eyes to his chin. You try to stop him and ask him what is wrong. You receive a heart shrinking shout. “Why couldn’t you ever tell me?” He runs to his room and cries until there are no tears left. When you call him for dinner, he comes looking as everyday, except for his slightly swollen eyes and the soft aura of red around his nose. He smiles and sits down just like every other day. You don’t know what to say, so you don’t say anything. You can’t but wonder what happened to him, but you can’t ask and he won’t tell. He thanks you for the food and asks permission to go take a bath. He leaves and you hear the bathroom door close, you make the choice and as quietly as your feet allow, you enter his room. Everything looks normal and you try to remember the last time you were there, but you can’t, it’s been so long. Something catches your eye; you go and carefully lift his pillow and take it to your nose automatically to smell his scent. Your eyes start welling remembering when he was little. Your attention focuses on what called to you at first and what you see is not what you want to see. You refuse to believe it. You leave. One day the boy will grow.
Today he goes to college, you cry, he feels embarrassed but can’t keep himself from crying a little also. His dorm looks comfortable enough for your standards and you leave feeling the weight of years upon your heart; you silently curse Chronos for taking him away from you so quickly. He visits every weekend and he stays home for the holidays. His visits start becoming scarce; he says he has some homework that he has to finish. You start feeling lonely and you are afraid that he will someday forget you. You are afraid of not having enough time. One day the boy will grow.
He calls you in the afternoon and he says he is coming over for the weekend. You can’t be happier and you look like you just won the lottery when he tells you there is someone he needs you to meet. You hang up and start preparing everything or him and the guest room for whoever he is bringing for the weekend. You decide it has been a long time since you last change his sheets and when you start stripping his bed a dark thought crosses your mind. What if? You shake every worry away and keep yourself busy for the rest of the afternoon as to not think anymore. You even take a pill before going to bed, you are so worried. You wake up happy, in fact happier than you have in quite some weeks. You wait anxiously for him, fidgeting and making last minute arrangements in the table, the bedroom, the bathroom and ever in your hair. When he finally arrives every fear you had the night before becomes real, you feel trapped and decide to fake ignorance and surprise. You also decide to be good to him and to avoid making him feel hurt or suffer. Your boy comes through the door holding his hand and after hugging you he tells you the words you have bee fearing since that day he cried and yelled at you. “Mom, I want you to meet my boyfriend”. One day the boy will grow.
One day the boy grew up and you didn’t even notice. One day his whole world came crashing down on him, his fairytale castle gone long before and not there anymore to protect him. One day he realized he was different and he felt unable to relate the stories you told him to what he feel and to who he is. One day the boy grew up and his eyes were not big enough to keep his tears, his heart was not wide enough to host what he was feeling. One day the boy grew up, he changed, he became and you didn’t even notice. One day the boy grew up and you didn’t want to see it, you just thought “one day the boy will grow”.